KELSO AT THE PULPIT

Kelso imagines he's probably won over a few fans in the Angry White Man community with his last blog effort.

He's in a charitable mood, so he's going to drop some science as they used to say back in the day. To his Angry White Man fans, read up and read carefully because Kelso will not be doing this again. Kelso's none too fond of you and your marvelous ignorance that has brought HIS country to this sorry state. Kelso has spent a lifetime in high-stakes gambling and financial situations. He has made enough to live comfortably and if there's one lesson he's learned, it's this: the other guy is not your problem. Unless you're head-to-head with him in a situation and have to beat him, his losses do not help you. Only you can help yourself.

Let's expand this a little bit. If "we" kill every Arab on the planet, your lot in life doesn't improve one fucking iota. You don't get any more money. You don't get any more pussy. You don't get a better job or even A JOB. If every black person in America is killed or is sent to jail, same deal. If the Supreme Court re-legalizes SLAVERY you're not going to see one penny from it. You're probably going to end up as slaves yourself. George W. Bush, Rudy Giuliani, Pat Robertson and all the rest of those cunts are NOT GOING TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS FOR YOU. Full stop. They don't give a fuck about you and they laugh about you when the cameras aren't rolling. They're 1000x richer than Kelso and you'd cut off your balls to have Kelso's net worth.

The only way to improve your life is in your own hands. If you have the time, take a night class. Get a degree. If you don't have the time, join a union or support the one you're in. Voting? It's an open question. You're probably better off voting Democratic than Republican but you're best off organizing and getting your own shit together. The Democrats are slightly better than the Republican but just slightly. Neither give a fuck about you.

Religion? Give Kelso a break. Pray all you like and hate those who pray differently. Smart fucking idea, genius. There is no God; there never has been a God and there never will be a God. When you die, it's eternal nothingness. Just a big sleep. And on the off-chance that there is a God and Jesus was his son, do you think it's all channeled through Pat Robertson? Or the pope? Or whoever the Head Jew In Charge Is? Or the preacher at your local? Come on. Use your heads. If Kelso told you that he had a third arm growing out of his back, wouldn't you like to SEE it before believing it?

Life sucks a big dick. We're born with the knowledge that we're going to die. That's a horrible thing. And most people are poor and have the devil of a time just making ends meet. So, belief in religion is like a big fucking crack pipe. Who can resist it? Eternal life? Heavenly rewards? It's all shit. It's a lie. You've got one life and if you want the pussy and the money you have to take care of it yourself. And if you can't take care of it yourself, take care of your kids. Teach them to read, do math, and play ball. Tell them to stay in school do their homework and take care of THEIR business.

But blaming Liberals or Blacks or Arabs or Gays? It's a losing proposition and taking you off purpose. Jesus, sell drugs if you have to support your kids, but wasting time blaming the other guy is for losers. Kelso knows. Every time Rush Limbaugh's radio show comes on the air is like another penny in Kelso's pocket. Fuck it, fellas, even Rush and Daryn are laughing at you. Get your shit together. And stop being such fucking crybabies. Your country needs you to ACT LIKE MEN. Say what you want, but whining about Liberals is not acting like manly. Whining about Blacks isn't acting manly. Whining about Arabs is not acting manly. And most of all, whining about Gay Marriage is not acting manly. IT'S ACTING GAY.

You've put old Kelso in a hell of a spot with this whining. Ordinarily, he'd say
The Nuts Love You, but Kelso has to admit you ain't too lovable right now.

Now, go listen to Rush. Kelso has some high-stakes poker to play. A nice-looking wife to fuck and business to attend to. Kelso actually doesn't give a shit. Maybe listen to Cindy Sheehan for a second with an open mind. Maybe give your kids a hug and a kiss. Fuck it. Maybe borrow that money and sell those 5000 Vikeys and put the money towards a community college degree.

You have nothing to lose but your chains.