Kelso is listening to Johnny Cash's "Sunday Morning Coming Down" and "Folsom Prison Blues" to get in the mood for this promised grim one.

First some useful links:

http://hcs.harvard.edu/~amnesty/articles/prisonslavery.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/20/politics/20rape.html

The first is an Harvard Branch Of Amnesty International reprint of Adam Liptak's New York Times piece of last fall on the Roderick Johnson case. Astute readers will notice that Kelso used the proper name of the Tissue Of Lies here. That's because Adam Liptak is nobody's puppet -- just a top-flight investigative reporter and a very good writer to boot.

The second link is the piece from yesterday's Tissue Of Lies, the link that moved Kelso to take up this subject.

Now, for a little litmus test. Here are punch lines to two jokes.

Joke 1: "...and so the prison guard says to the fish, 'meet your cellmate, Big Leroy.'" How many of you are laughing? Kelso puts the number at around 25%.

Joke 2: "...and so the doctor says to his patient, 'you have inoperable pancreatic cancer.'" How many of you are laughing AT THE SAME GODDAMNED JOKE? None, Kelso reckons.

Now think about cancer every time you want to laugh at a prison rape joke. Kelso understands that humor is in the eye of the beholder, and this is a PC-free zone, so if you think cancer is funny, Kelso thinks you should also laugh your ass off -- n.p.i. -- about prison rape.

Most Republicans love the idea of prison rape because they like to seem tough and love the idea of the suffering of the poor and unfortunate. Most Democrats don't give a shit one way or another, but like the idea of seeming tough on crime. And now that the Republicans have gotten their triple winner of a huge prison population that is not only privatized but also placed strategically in districts that allow extra GOP house seats, the bottom has really dropped out of the barrel, no?

Kelso alluded to the issue of prison rape some weeks back, when he went into the Way-Back Machine to highlight Ted Koppel's sudden questioning the idea that sexual bondage should be part of the offcial sanction. Why was Koppel so interested in THAT settled subject then? Why because it was 1993 and Wind, Koon, Powell and Briseno had just been sentenced to time for the Rodney King beating. That's why. Koppel was worried what might befall the noble LA policemen in prison. Koppel so worried about it that he actually asked the rhetorical question: "Is 5 years of sexual slavery the right punishment for a car thief?" Kelso noted that was big of Mr. Big Hair. Thanks.

Now, Floppers, why is the prison rape panel and the author of the Prison Rape Elimination Act of 1993, U.S. Rep. Barbara Lee (you know, the black, Bay Area Democrat who voted against the wars!)all of a sudden newsworthy? Newsworthy enough to make the National Report page of the Tissue Of Lies?

Let's connect the dots. What happened in the past week that sits at the nexus of all three branches of government? The indictment of Jack Abramoff, a fellow who knows where all the bodies are buried. What's about to happen in October? U.S. Attorney Fitzgerald's term will expire. Fitzgerald just happens to be the lead investigator into the Valerie Plame affair. Count on no re-appointment from Bush. So do count on all indictments coming down before his term expires. With the Senate out of session, Senator Pat Roberts' (R-KA) plan to hold a Senate investigation giving all principals immunity will not happen before Fitzgerald's time runs out. Rove and Libby may get it. Possibly McLellan. Maybe even President Cheney and the Flying Monkey. Tom DeLay may get it if Abramoff spills on the Indian Tribe extortion, the Marianas Islands child sex-slave issue, and god knows what else? And if the big kids manage to duck it, there will be a few lower-downs forced by the Bush Crime Family to take it for the team.

And that, Floppers, is why prison-rape, and not Barbara Lee's "lack of patriotism" is all of a sudden an issue of concern for the Tissue Of Lies. And why the BUSH appointed panel is meeting. Please note the total bullshit answers by prison officials that they "don't know the scale of the problem" and their prescription that it needs more study. You bastards.

Kelso reiterates: he thinks these people are filthy, greedy monsters with blood on their hands, but he would take no joy in any of them being raped in prison. Kelso does not believe rape should be part of the official sanction and is hoping that Roderick Johnson -- told by the warden "fight or fuck, son" -- wins his case, unlikely though that result is.

Kelso understands that he's been WAY too earnest this morning, so let's have a little safe fun with it all. Here's Kelso's odds on the various random variables in this situation:

JACK ABRAMOFF GOES TO PRISON: Yes -$9.50/No +$7.50
TOM DeLAY GOES TO PRISON: No -$7.00/Yes +$6.50
U.S. ATTY FITZGERALD HANDS DOWN INDICTMENTS BEFORE OCTOBER: Yes -$6.00/No +$5.00
PAT ROBERTS CAN STOP FITZGERALD WITH A SENATE INQUIRY: No -$2.50/Yes +$2.25
LIBBY IN STRIPES: No -$1.90/Yes +$1.75
ROVE IN PINK STRIPES: No -$1.80/Yes +$1.70
SIMPLE SCOTTY IN LAVENDER STRIPES: No -$1.75/Yes +$1.65
ANY ADMINSITRATION OFFICIAL IN STRIPES: Yes -$2.50/No +$2.25
PRESIDENT CHENEY OR THE FLYING MONKEY IN STRIPES: OUT-PRICE, OFF THE BOARD
THERE WILL BE ANOTHER PRISON-WORTHY SCANDAL RELATED TO "PVT CONTRACTORS": Yes -$3.00/No +$2.75

And we finish as usual with some sports stuff. Vargas knocked Castijello down in round 3 and looked to finish him off in round 4. Castillejo caught Vargas on the jaw in the 4th and the best Vargas could do was win a unanimous decision fighting with a broken jaw for 6 rounds. We love you El Feroz, and think of you every time we drive through Oxnard on the way to the 101 to Santa Barbara or San Francisco.

Now, tell Kelso honestly, isn't it better to leave the fighting to these guys?

All around wretched night on the Diamond as KC cracked it's 19-game losing streak, beating the A's 2-1 despite good performances from Zito and Duchscherer. Rudy Giluiani's Girls put a beat-down on the White Sox. And in a double shot to the solar plexus, The Los Angeles Angels of The Magic Kingdom of Anaheim beat the Sawx despite a nice effort by Bronson Arroyo. Kelso doesn't geddit. Why has Theo Epstein designated Arroyo for assignment; he's young, way undervalued and has been the Sawx most consistent starter? As Kelso has mad respect for Theo Epstein, Kelso can only guess that Theo's planning an awesome waiver-wire deadline blockbuster. For the interested student: deadline is August 31.

Kelso's Nuts love you very much.