Sorry Floppers, this is going to have to be a shorty. Online Poker Tourney goes off in a half-hour and tomorrow every track in the country runs.

Mrs. Kelso and Kelso, Jr., went to Cape Cod for the weekend, so Kelso made a bachelor's dinner of deli meats, provolone and celery heart salad. As he ate, he perused the Tissue Of Lies and came across a real winner. Yes, Elisabeth Bummiller is down on her knees again sucking. In a short piece "War Protestor Leaves Texas to See Ailing Mother," we get the who, what, when, where and why, but the final words -- in his own words -- go to President Cheney. I can't do better that Elisabeth and Dick: "In a speech earlier Thursday in Springfield, Mo., Vice President Dick Cheney acknowledged the 'irreplaceable losses' of families of soldiers who have been killed in Iraq but insisted that the war would help guarantee freedoms both in the United States and the Middle East. [emphasis Kelso's]

"In this difficult and necessary cause we have lost some of our finest Americans," Mr Cheney said at a convention of the Military Order of the Purple Heart. "That loss is irreplaceable and no one can take away from the sorrow that has come to the families of the fallen."

Jesus Christ, Kelso sez give Cheney the Nobel Peace Prize right away. As for Elisabeth Bumiller, Kelso could go on at length. Matt Taibbi has covered this ground beautifully in his annual Hack-A-Thon. Make sure never to miss him. Sadly, he's leaving The New York Press, but his stuff is archived there.

Now, on to Elisabeth Bumiller. Tell Kelso, what does it feel like to look in the mirror each morning as you vainly attempt to make yourself presentable (ad hominem attack)? How does it feel to flack for the murderous Bush administration? I reckon you'll probably get a nice gig at Heritage when it's all over or maybe a good Right-Wing PR job. Your chances as a Pulitzer are slim and none and I just saw Slim sneak out the back-door with your doppel-ganger, Judi Wilgoren. Repent, I say. There's still time. Or do ugly chicks just get so mesmerized by W that something just, well, happens, to the point that you'll let him macque you out to Cheney? To Wolfowitz?? Kelso wouldn't touch you after 6 beers and 2 double Jameson's, and Kelso is nothing. He's a pathetic little blogger who's nothing more than a gnat on a dog's dick.

You really cover Washington for the Tissue Of Lies? Unfuckingbelievable. What hath God and Pinch wrought?

Cindy Sheehan is the Ghandi of this generation and Dick Cheney is a greedy psychopath. Hyperbole, yes. But not TOO far off.

Ahh, Cindy Sheehan. This brings up a point Kelso has been pondering for the last few hours, having listened to Malloy and heard both sides of the argument. In his last posting, Kelso posited that the USA's last, best hope may be it's military. Kent State and Jackson State aside, would the regular servicemen and women and the brass stop the imposition of martial law by the Bush administration, or would they fire upon their friends and neighbors? Kelso leans to the positive. He's heard compelling arguments to the contrary, though. As long as the Republicans can keep stealing elections and the Democrats do nothing, martial law won't be necessary. Corporatism is already here and as Huey Long predicted we do call it "Democracy."

And is our wont here at Kelso's Nuts, we move again to the less bellicose subject of boxing. An A+ source likes Vargas in 6. Kelso has no reason to doubt. What do you reckon, David Remnick?

Kelso's Nuts loves you all.