How did Kelso miss this Saturday beaut in the Tissue?

Mrs. Kelso quite properly pointed out that there was a column Kelso might be interested in because it had poker and Manny Ramirez (Kelso's 2nd favorite player after Pedro) in it. Kelso found it. It's actually not unknown to Kelso. It's something called at the top "Game Theory" and "Poker" in bold beneath it. It is written by some fellow named McManus who apparently wrote a piece on poker for the New Yorker and expanded it into a book.

For the uninitiated, the New Yorker piece wasn't bad and the book had its moments, but the column in the Tissue Of Lies is a punchline to a joke among professional gamblers. If you know and like poker, feel free to write in your own joke.

Kelso has some interest in poker so he took notice of this column when it first appeared and Kelso must say he was a little surprised to find a new gambling column in the Tissue Of Lies. Gambling is hardly a favored topic of the Tissue. Editorial content usually weighs in against -- a "hidden tax on the poor," you see. The Tissue does not carry sports betting lines, nor does it have a thoroughbred or harness handicapper, nor does it even have the next day's entries for Aqueduct, Belmont or Saratoga or any of the local harness tracks. They do, however, have ample space for the psychotic mixed metaphors of Selena Roberts which really belong in Self or Harper's Bazaar or something. Don't worry, Floppers, we'll get to her at a later date.

So, Kelso figures it worked out something like this. The powers that be have recognized that poker is not a passing fad, it's an international craze and must be addressed. The problem was editorial opinion (easily dispensed with) and the fact that poker is not strictly legal; it's sort of legal in a kind of a way. This is very strange because if the argument against posting sports betting lines is that the Tissue Of Lies would be in violation of the law prohibiting "the promotion of illegal gambling" than certainly the poker column is in violation of the same law. Absolutely. Full stop.

So, probably the sports editor went to Bill Keller who went to the CIA's man at the Tissue, Thomas "Magic Moustache" Friedman, who went to Porter Goss who went John Negroponte who went to Alberto Gonzalez who went to President Cheney and got the A-OK with the usual provisos. One of those provisos became apparent after two of McManus's poker columns. In each, he highlighted that poker, especially on-line poker, is illegal and velly, velly bad for you and is in violation of federal law. That's when Kelso bailed on the reading the column.

In last Saturday's column, McManus describes a hand he played in a "small" Hold 'Em tournament -- $2500 buy-in! So typically middle-brow of the Tissue. For the vast majority of players a $2500 buy-in is hardly small, but for professionals it's trivial. Having established himself as a high-roller (Kelso's dizzy with laughter writing this, by the way), McManus goes on to describe a routine hand in which he mis-played pocket 10s against pocket Qs. The analysis wasn't bad. Nothing you can't get on TV, in 1000s of newsgroups and blogs, or in "lowbrow" magazines such as Card Player or Poker Player. It's the special pseudo-intellectual Tissuvian twist that brought Manny Ramirez into the picture and really took us all into Cloud-Cuckoo Land. Apparently, viewing the hand retrospectively, McManus made the blinding insight that a hand of Texas Hold 'Em is a series of random variables. Wow. Now, that's smart. Then, get this, this is where it really becomes super-clever, a Manny Ramirez at-bat is ALSO a series of random variables! No shit? Omigod. I get it now. Thanks, Tissue.

Usually, we start with politics and finish with sports or gambling. This time we'll flip the script. Kelso in all seriousness gives McManus props for admitting he misplayed his 10-10. Now, if only the Tissue Of Lies itself would admit that it misplayed its rah-rah coverage leading up to the war in Iraq and its repulsive cheering on of the (aborted) coup in Venezuela. Nice to see that the Tissue Of Lies is in good company; apparently, Pat Robertson has called for President Hugo Chavez's assassination. Excellent. The Tissue really has to get back into the Latin game. They've had their eyes of the ball since Shirley Christian died or was captured by aliens. You all remember good old Shirley and her love of all things Latin dictatorial. It always used to blow Kelso's mind that the millions of Jewish Tissue readers had no problem that the lead Latin America reporter was an ardent supporter of regimes that took care of about 30,000 sons and daughters of Abraham. And to bring up Elliott Abrams here would just be to gild the lily, wouldn't it?

Well, let's not be too hard on the Tissue. A few days ago Kelso missed an op-ed piece bemoaning the bust of the Playstation poker club and the Victorian attitude of NYC law enforcement even post-Rudy. Also, today's op-ed had something by John Tierney discussing fairly large-sized bets with friends on commodities prices. That kind of gambling is absolutely, positively illegal from both a criminal and civil standpoint, by the way. Kelso has no problem with it, but Tierney's heroes John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales may have a different point of view as might Bush's head of the CFTC. Kelso is happy, though, that Tierney has replaced William Safire as the house libertarian. William Safire is the only anti-gambling libertarian Kelso has ever heard of. Now, what is to be done with David Brooks and Thomas Friedman, other than laugh our asses off?

Kelso knows he piling on. He's woken up "to the fact that his paper is Tory" and is having lots of fun with it. [Kelso knew it all along; he just wanted to use that Billy Bragg line again.]

For a special treat, because Kelso's Nuts love you, here are some hand-names Kelso has come across:

K-10: Maryland
K-high Straight: Off-Broadway
Q-high Straight: Off-Off Broadway
6-9: Big Lick