Just like the old U.S. News & World Report ads in the subway and trains stations: no sports and no jokes today. Kelso woke up late and raggedy from a Saturday night out and was prompted to earl by a front-page story in today's Tissue Of Lies.

Here's the link so you can all decide for yourselves: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/28/national/28parents.html?hp&ex=1125201600&en=82939af7a6279206&ei=5094&partner=homepage

Under the headline, "In War Debate, Parents of Fallen Are United Only In Grief," Tissue writer Abby Goodenough writes the most vile critique of Cindy Sheehan and most egregious piece of pro-war propaganda outside the usual conservative sources that Kelso has seen to date.

Far from being a "fair and balanced" piece on how parents of the fallen have been coping with the deaths of their children, Ms. Goodenough presents anecdotal and snotty "evidence" that Cindy Sheehan is full of shit and the country -- especially the parents who have lost children in this repulsive war -- represent the majority opinion. Kelso counts 9 pro-war parents who've lost children to 2 anti-war parents who've lost children cited in the piece. [Middle-aged readers of the Tissue who remember the 60s will just love the "quiet Americans" reference; "Silent Majority, anyone?"] No cheap shot is low enough for Ms. Goodenough in her trashing of Cindy Sheehan and Ms. Goodenough ends with this beaut, quoting Patricia Marsh of Omaha who lost a Reservist daughter: "You have to support the war, because you are an American."

Well. Now you see why Kelso earled. With approval for Bush and this war about as low as it could be, how pro-war parents of dead soldiers could possibly still support it 9-2, is beyond Kelso's ken. 6-5, he could maybe accept. 9-2 is just pure bullshit. Kelso believes the true number is 9-2 the other way. Let's try to understand the reasoning behind this piece of "journalism". The Tissue Of Lies Corporation has lots and lots of business before a Republican Congress, President, and FCC, so acting in their best business interests, they are doing what they can to stop a burgeoning pro-peace movement and taking an opportunity to slime a woman who is probably now among the favorites for the Nobel Peace Prize. Kelso's price on the Cindy Sheehan/Rudy Giuliani matchup: SHEEHAN -$9.00/MUSSOLINI +$7.50.

Using a woman reporter to do this dirty work is a clever stroke, and a front pager on Sunday is absolutely necessary. Sorry, Flopper G, but Kelso is a betting man and he's laying a big price that Abby Goodenough is one serious sow. It's a political thing, not a sexist thing. Kelso thinks Anne Coulter's pretty cute.

As Malcolm X said "I have more respect for a man who lets me know where he stands even if he's wrong than some Devil who's trying to come off like an Angel. This is natural but it is done." As Kelso has already made the rational argument. Please take the Malcolm X quote for all it's worth. Its insertion is wholly intentional. Kelso is so full of vitriol he wants to piss off every pro-war Israelophile Jewish Tissue reader there is. In other words, fuck you up the ass sideways, traitors. Open your crabbed little minds: ISRAEL WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM THIS. The Tissue's Zionist slant makes Kelso ashamed of his Jewish heritage. So, at least for today, while he's earling his guts out, Kelso is down with the Nation and the Aryan Brotherhood.

Now, let's move on to the composition of the Tissue's National staff. They seem to be collecting fascist women reporters like Kelso, Jr., collects toy dinosaurs: Elisabeth Bumiller, Jodi Wilgoren, Judith Miller, Abby Goodenough and -- of course -- Adam Nagourney. By some fluke -- getting hit with the Hebrew National that hangs between Michael Douglas's legs -- Maureen Dowd got turned from McCain supporting, humble-cop-on-the-beat-loving Catholic conservative into a reliable truth-teller, albeit with a heavily over-cooked, Looney-Tunes style. Kelso's sure that there are more of these cunts hanging around the Tissue, but he has better things to do than parse every Tissue sentence. Jerking-off is a better thing. Playing poker in the NYC clubs is another. Eating a couple of Vicodin and chasing them down with a nice, hot cup of Prince Of Wales tea is another. Flipping baseball cards with Kelso, Jr., is another. Reading Chomsky and Herman ain't bad, either. Shit, reading Robert Bork's memoirs is better. Kelso could go on....

Finally, can we all agree that the Tissue is a pile of Tory crap?

As he did with William Bennett's Book Of Virtues, Kelso will make sure to wipe his ass with today's Tissue Of Lies front page despite the coarseness (double entendre, geddit?)

Kelso's Nuts love you very much. Conservative bitches at the Tissue can rot in pieces. Again, women Floppers of the Nuts, spare Kelso. He will not delete your posts about Kelso's sexism, homophobia etc,; he already knows he's a sexist homophobe, but he will respond with all the Anglo-Saxon oaths he can muster.