A "VERY SPECIAL EPISODE" OF KELSO'S NUTS TODAY...

Kelso's father will be seeing Kelso's son play ball in the park today for the first time, as most of his time has been taken up with caring for Kelso's Mom who has been recovering from various ailments. Kelso has promised his Dad that Kelso II has really come into his own as a player and is at 5 1-2 a better player than Kelso was at 9. Uptown in Central Park with all proceeds going to "Camp Casey".

Meanwhile, on the virtual baize, this afternoon Kelso attempts to qualify for the World Poker Tour event at the Bellagio, Las Vegas, having gotten through the stage 1 and stage 2 qualifiers with 2nd place finishes in each. Kelso could only hope to carry Barry Greenstein's jock, but if any big money falls out of this, Kelso promises some will go to Code Pink or Gold Star Mothers. A Democrat has about as much of a chance of getting Kelso's charity as a Klansman does.

In the charitable spirit of the day, Kelso wants to make it clear that if Jack Abramoff, Tom DeLay, Rush Limbaugh, Robert Novak or any of the other villains have to spend time in jail, Kelso does not want to see sexual violence befall them. Kelso doesn't think prison rape jokes are funny and is appalled by the notion, well supported by criminals above, that rape ought to be part of the criminal sanction. For those stains on humanity, locked-up, bored, broke, having to do menial labor, reputation in tatters...and some kind of profound change a la David Brock is plenty. These are tough, talented, though thoroughly amoral men...we could use them on the left!

Now as for those brave "private contractors" from CACI and TITAN and the other subsidiaries of Halliburton who thought up the brilliant idea of rounding up Iraqi families and raping the children in front of the parents, Kelso has no lightness in his heart. Kelso does not believe in heaven or hell, but he knows that one or more of you bastards will be outed at some point and when that happens a biblical retribution will be extracted. Listen to Warren Zevon's "Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner" for details. Particularly relevant as not a few of these guys ARE veterans of the "troubles" in Africa.

OK, we CAN have a laugh about Dick Cheney getting raped in prison. And, ok, Rumsfeld. Sure, Condi and Judi, too. But that's it.

What a heartbreaking loss to the Twins. Haren could not have pitched better, but they don't come too much better than Johan Santana, so Kelso takes his comfort in that.

Kelso's Nuts loves you very much.