SELENA ROBERTS PART I

As promised, Kelso's magnum opus on Selena Roberts is here, though the continuation of it may be interrupted by a business trip to the West Coast scheduled for tomorrow.

Kelso has to ramble here, but he's setting up one of his patented cruel jokes, so bear with him.

When a society is built upon slave labor, it has to make a commitment to kill all the slaves when things start to go pear-shaped, your basic Hitler, Stalin, Botha model, and surely the model lots of black African dictators Kelso hasn't even heard of. The USA -- positively built upon slave labor -- looks to be headed down that path, Puff Daddy and Michael Jordan, notwithstanding, with its horrible economic inequities, vile wars, War-On-Drugs, and repulsive Prison Industrial Complex. Kelso does not abide, which he why he is FOR race and class-based affirmative-action, possibly quotas, and possibly reparations in the form of the 2005 value of 40-acres and one mule carried forward at the risk-free rate of interest from, say, 1875, for all provable cases. This is not because Kelso is a knee-jerk commie liberal who loves blacks and hates whites. [Kelso is a Capitalist Left-Libertarian (a little more on this in a bit.)] This is because Kelso is an American, loves his country right or wrong, wants to see some of the social pressure let off, and DOES NOT WANT TO SEE HIS COUNTRY GO DOWN THE HITLER, STALIN, BOTHA path.

What does all that pomposity have to do with Selena Roberts? Take a look at her piece in today's Tissue Of Lies US Open:2005 Preview Section. The word "tennis", by Kelso's count appears three times, one being a reference to the Town Tennis Club. The O.C. is in there. Nike. Forbes. The MTV music awards. And some crap about Serena Williams's interest in fashion-design. There is one hell of a lot to say about women's tennis v2005. Lindsay Davenport's comeback. Maybe some speculation about who the true hard-court seeds should be. And maybe, possibly, some speculation about why all the injuries to the Williams sisters and why their slip in their rankings. Kelso understands that women's tennis lends itself to this sort of sexist and patronizing stuff. Selena Roberts's particular puke is too much to bear, though. This is so amazingly bad and such an insult to Kelso's average intelligence that it IS MAKING KELSO QUESTION HIS HEARTFELT BELIEF IN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! The Jayson Blair Affair wasn't so great either AND it brought in the execreble Bill Keller as editor. Be careful what you wish for, Kelso...

Sorry, Floppers, Kelso can't find the link. It's in today's Tissue on page F1.

Funny thing, every sportsbook in the world -- all run by WHITE MEN, btw -- puts up all sorts of prices and propositions on women's tennis every week and Kelso's yet to see anything there other than the players listed respectfully by last name, just as the men are. When Kelso discusses tennis with other professional gamblers, the women again are referred to by last name and there are usually 15 remarks about why Sharapova is or is not worth -$2.00 against Clijsters for every remark about Sharapova's looks. Oh, did Kelso mention that professional gamblers are 99 7/10% white men?

And now a few words about the Williams sisters. No player trained by a father who never played tennis becomes a champion. The competition is too fierce and the proper training begins too early. Kelso won't swear to it, has not evidence to prove it, and is "probably wrong" but he believes that the sisters had both tennis professional help and medical professional help. It's probably just a coincidence that the injuries and the losses to inferior players began with the beginning of the BALCO case, but if you want something to look out for, see if they have any trouble conceiving children when their playing days are over. See if unexplained tumors not commonly found in their age cohort start to show up. And then you will have a pretty good idea of what went on. Kelso going to wait and see.

Now, this "left-libertarian" stuff. Kelso believes that an adult has the right to do pretty much anything he or she wants as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. He believes that Americans get jack-shit back for their taxes, so taxes should be cut. He believes that you have a right to own as many firearms as you like with the caveat that if you use them to commit a crime or injure someone with them, you go to prison for a long time. Kelso just happens to exercise his right NOT to own one. Kelso believes that there's too much financial regulation. What there is favors the ultra-rich, gives too much power to law-enforcement and creates market inefficiencies. Kelso thinks there's TOO LITTLE environmental regulation because he believes that the shit that being spewed out IS hurting him (go back to point one, please).

He doesn't give a rat's ass what gender you are, what color you are, what religion you practice or whom you like to fuck. That said, Kelso has discovered that blogging is essentially a game of the "dozens", a game which Kelso excels at. And has always excelled at. Kelso can recall a particularly vicious game in college in which a fellow, 6' 200 lbs and much smarter than Kelso was reduced to tears and left with the weak response: "Hey Kelso, you're short!" One can imagine what a surprise this information was to the 5' 6" Kelso. He'd never looked in the mirror before!

Kelso covers so much ground that he really can't get into the slow-build, call-and-response version of the game when discussing his favorite issues, so he usually throws his last (sucker) punch first and that's where the sexism, racism, hatred of religion, and homophobia come in. When someone in power is hurting others, or those writing about the powerful are supporting it, or the writing he has to read is lousy, Kelso's hitting hard and winning the dozens game with one punch because the objects of his vituperation are richer, more powerful and more famous than Kelso. And as Kelso always sez, he's nothing more than a gnat on a dog's dick. But he still likes to win. So, the ugly chicks at the Tissue get it. Guys like Uncle Thomas and Bill Cosby get it. Wolfowitz and Bernard Goldberg get it. Selena Roberts gets it. Rove, McLellan, Mehlman, Andrew Sullivan and Adam Nagourney get it. If Kelso ever gets rich or famous, he knows he's in for it. But he's ready...

...and he loves YOU.